Wine is my favorite beverage, but between the hours of 6:30 and 11:00 a.m., there is nothing that I want more than coffee. If you grew up in the Pacific NW, you probably take good coffee and its ready availability for granted. If you grew up almost anywhere else in the country, you can remove the word good from the previous sentence, drop the prepositional phrase and still have a true statement. I lived in what I assumed were coffee havens - NYC, Providence and Boston. Upon moving to Portland 10 years ago, I realized that most of the coffee I had been drinking was mediocre at best.

But I can categorically state as true that I would rather stand on line (my editor insists "in line") for coffee anyplace other than Portland any day of the week. Face the facts - New Yorkers may not be as friendly, or as outwardly nice as folks are around here, but they know good line protocol.

A Brief History of the Coffee Shop Line

First there were hairy guys in animal skins with big sticks - then there were lines. Then in the mid-eighties the world was condemned to living with those serpentine lines, like the ones at banks and amusement parks that fold back on themselves. Thus, fear and doubt were removed from the queue calculus, leaving only impatience and anger.

Portland has never made the transition from the big guys with the stick to the "line" thing.

The Guy du Vin Wine Drinkers Solution to Portland Coffee Shop Line Aggravation

1. In order to qualify as being in line, you must be standing within three feet of the person in front of you. In Portland, it is possible to play a game of touch football in the space between people standing in line to place an order. I've seen people standing outside the door of Starbuck's reading the menu board. They think they are in line.
   
2. All coffee shops should have a minimum of three separate lines mandated by law.
   Line number one is for:
   1. Non-stop talkers - the ones who are unable to talk and do anything else at the same time - like order!
   2. People who have never ordered coffee before. (Surprisingly, this is apparently half the population of Portland.)
   3. People whose total order amounts to $1.25 and they are paying with a credit card.
   4. People who have to use more than 3 adjectives in describing their coffee.
   5. Parents who have children with them, insist on letting their children order and expect others to be pleasantly entertained when ALL WE WANT IS SOME CAFFEINE - IT'S 8:00 AM ALREADY OK!!!
   6. People who have to ask what is in the pastry they are ordering and does it have hydrogenated oils or nuts or anything else that might possibly make it taste good because they don't eat that sort of thing.
   7. Anyone whose lips move as they read the coffee menu board.
   8. Anyone who actually has to read the menu board.

   Line number two is for:
   1. People with cash who realize that it is our God given right to get coffee in a reasonable amount of time.
   
   Line number three is for:
   1. me

Spandex and weight limits: a good combination.
Gawd, it must suck to have a kid that ugly.
x(^n) + y(^n) = z(^n) has no non-zero integer solutions for x, y and z when n > 2.
She seems very articulate for a crack whore.

This is supposed to be about wine, so in the interest of keeping you engrossed in wine and possibly making a sale, here is my wine advice for the week: (drum roll please...)

Drink more wine and order it from Guy du Vin!